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Thursday, March 22, 2018

Pumpkin Patch Predator!

The Glendive Ranger-Review participated in the 2015 Harvestfest with their haybale "The Pumpkin Patch Predator". 


By Daniel Nolker

Ranger-Review Staff Writer

The Glendive Pumpkin Patch Predator crushes another victim. 

Early Thursday morning an unnamed witness found the crushed body of Glendive resident R. E. View as he was walking home. 

Sources from law enforcement have released a description of the killer. The account relates the story of a pumpkin that started out destined for greatness but turned to pure evil. 

Tragedy plagued Jack O. Lantern even when he was the smallest pumpkin in the patch. While still green and tender, his best friend and mentor P. Umpkin was plucked from the patch and had his guts scooped out. 

When Lantern saw the pie on the farmer’s window sill, he knew his best friend had been crushed into a gory puree.  

From that moment on, Lantern vowed to grow into the largest and most powerful pumpkin that had ever been. Once ripe, Lantern rolled over the farmer and his wife before wreaking havoc across Glendive. As he continues to crush his victims into pulp, mass hysteria claims the community. 

Watch behind you for the giant orange ball of death. Be safe and eat more pie. 


Reach Daniel Nolker at news@rangerreview.com

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